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One in three? Really?
That’s what they tell me, one in three people approve of Bush’s job
performance. I want to meet this every third person. Better, I want to work
for this every third person. I've had some lackluster annual performance
evaluations in my time, but I know that I could could go straight to the top of
the corporate ladder reporting to this every third person.
Ms. Straney didn't
achieve her work goals. She took ten weeks vacation and four weeks of
personal time. She left the water running in the staff bathroom over the
weekend, causing a terrible flood and drowning three people in the
mailroom. At the same time, our workplace has been safe from nuclear
and chemical attack thanks to her willingness to listen in on every
single phone call the support staff made. Clearly Ms. Straney is the
best damn employee this company has ever had.
Can't you just see my humble, yet strong, nod as I
accept my raise and medal of honor?
Of course, that's ridiculous. I'm not an elected
official, I'm a member of the professionaleteriat. So, I actually
have to answer for my actions from time to time. In the interests
of fairness, I’ve decided it’s time for Mr. Bush’s annual evaluation
(just like in real life, this evaluation is late).
Mr Bush violated confidentiality policies.
He declassified and leaked formerly classified information in order to
win an argument. He also listened in on phone calls and pried into what
we look up online. I'd never lose an argument if I had access to
classified information and personal phone calls. "You did too borrow my
Veronica Mars CD. Look at this transcript of this phone call with your
friend Jenny where you clearly reference the fact that you accidentally
used A Trip to the Dentist as a coaster."
Mr. Bush and his department do not complete assigned tasks.
For example, what about removing all the dead people in New Orleans. Imagine the poor
evacuee who gets roped into cleaning out Aunt Madge's house, looking for
anything salvageable (there was never anything decent before the
hurricane, but Mom insists and, without access to classified
information, the argument can't be won). The good news is that all of
the Precious Moments figurines have been smashed by the fury of the
waves. Unfortunately so was Aunt Madge, and she’s washed up on the mud
covered kitchen linoleum. She’s still there because the "Please pay
overtime so we can pick up these dead people" forms were not filled out
correctly and FEMA cut the funding. In FEMA's defense, those
appropriation forms are not much more complicated than tax forms. City
officials of the shattered husk of an urban area can be such babies, you
know?
Mr. Bush does not work well with others. Meaning, of course, the
more than 250,000 people who have been killed and maimed in the Iraq
war. It seems like a little thing to bring up, but I'm a completist by
nature.
Mr. Bush is over budget. Remember when we were paying off our
national debt? Now we are adding to it at the fastest level ever. I
wouldn't mind so much if we had something to show for it, like a good
education system or a really cool water slide.
Mr. Bush routinely circulates false reports. Remember when Bush
acted like global warming was one of those urban legends like the dog
from Mexico that was really a rat? Well, now we're talking about how
much of Florida will be the kiddie pool in 30 years in a totally matter
of fact way, like we always knew this would happen.
Mr. Bush and his department accept bribes from
vendors. Jack Abramoff we know about for sure. Come on,
though, you know there's more.
I'm going to have to put him on 30 days probation. Seriously, he was a
bad hire.
Of course, I’ve got to get this past the board of directors (read
congress). Right now, the number of people in congress who approve of
the way he’s handling his job is better than one in two. Which gets me
wondering what is it going to take?
What if Bush killed a baby? No, that won't work because he'd be all,
"Yeah, babies are cute, but this was a terrorist baby and I'm protectin'
America from this new enemy, this new baby enemy." Of course, if he
aborted the baby he'd probably lose a little of his base, unless it was
a terrorist fetus (hey, it happens) in which case I'm not sure.
I think the only thing I can do is reveal the
sordid truth that Bush and Cheney are secretly married.
Guess which one is the top?
 
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