Florida has
much to answer for. There's Jeb Bush, there's the closing of Cypress
Gardens, the flying palmetto bug...it's a long and ugly list. Below
are some personal grudges.
-
Remember
the whole Elian Gonzalez press fest? No, I'm not over it. I
will never be over it. I will probably relive the endless news
coverage on my deathbed. Even now, when I meet someone of the last
name Gonzalez, I have a seizure. I don't even want to think about
what happens if I ever meet an Elian.
-
Next on
my list is that whole 2000 election thing. Even if the officials
in Florida only wanted to control the outcome of the state-wide
elections and didn't intend to steal a national election, I hold a
grudge. You may call them overachievers. I call them very
poor planners.
-
And let's
not forget the overdevelopment of the Kissimmee Prairie. I know
the world needs more timeshare condos and McMansions, but all this
development has taken the habitat of the endangered Florida Panther.
Yeah, that's right. Florida had its very own panther and they
dropped the ball. If Illinois had a panther we would have given
the panther his own county. Because in Illinois we understand that
Panthers need their space. And no, naming a hockey team after the
Florida Panther is too little, too late.
Still,
Florida has some excellent qualities. I am a huge fan of Miami.
And the food is fantastic. Also, higher education in this country
wouldn't exist without the Florida driven spring break machine. It's a
scientific fact that most Americans only go to college as an excuse to get
their parents to give them money for spring break in Daytona.
Anyway, think
how much nicer Florida will be once YOU move there. Maybe you could
get a Florida Panther and keep it as a pet (either the mountain lion or the
hockey player, whichever you wish).
